Photo by Bennett Raglin/Getty Images for Gallery 151

I love to cook. In fact, many of the Carty-Free writers are foodies, either closeted or out. However, my kitchen is small, so I don’t have the stable of food gadgets that many home cooks have. Therefore, I’m extremely selective of what kind of kitchen tools take up my limited counter space.

For today’s theme, we’re looking at kitchen gadgets — things that make your life easier in the kitchen, but aren’t workhorses like a KitchenAid stand mixer. So here are the Tottenham Hotspur players ranked after their 1-1 draw to West Bromwich Albion to the theme of kitchen gadgets.


Like maybe some of you, I dismissed the Instant Pot when it first became popular as a passing fad. Then I actually got one, and it’s amazing. It’s not for everything, but it’s fantastic for beans, vegetables, curries, cuts of meat that you’d normally braise, soups, etc. You can also make rice in it, as well as yogurt. It has, without hyperbole, changed the way I cook. I am an Instant Pot cultist now. Up the Pot.

No Tottenham players were as good as the Instant Pot.


Do you NEED one of these things? Nope. Do they make your life in the kitchen markedly better? Absolutely. If you’ve ever scalded the crap out of your hands while trying to pour a soup into a blender carafe, then you want one of these. They’re also inexpensive, and make impressively good homemade mayo.

Mousa Dembele: Kane got the goal, but for my money Dembele was Spurs’ best player. Tottenham’s best run of play corresponded to his coming into the match, and his his strength on the ball helped Spurs make some threatening possessions in the second half.


Alton Brown hates “unitaskers” in the kitchen, but he makes an exception for the waffle iron, because waffles are the best. However, if you want to make yourself feel better for purchasing a desktop kitchen gadget that does only one thing, try putting leftover Thanksgiving stuffing in a waffle iron. You’ll thank me later.

Son Heung-Min: Sonny was pretty much the whole of Spurs’ offense in the first half, and one of the few that wasn’t afraid to dribble straight at defenders. Unfortunately, he rarely had a teammate open for an outlet pass, and West Brom’s bunkered defense meant that there were too many bodies in front of him and the goal.

Harry Kane: Got his goal, a lovely low volleyed shot from a Dele Alli cross, and threatened a few more times, but wasn’t getting the service he normally enjoys and dropped super deep to collect the ball. He looks exhausted out there.


Developed as a woodworking tool, the microplane graters are kitchen workhorses, turning hard cheeses and things like chocolate into clouds of fluffy, finely grated product. You can zest a lemon or lime easily and quickly with one of them too. I use mine at least weekly.

Jan Vertonghen: Was Spurs’ best defender, so it was curious why he was the one to be subbed off and not Dier or Sanchez. It was obviously a tactical decision, but Jan had a pretty nice match all things considered.


I know they’re trendy right now and you can do a lot with them, but at $150 for the Joule, home sous vide machines are not worth the cost at present when you can get basically the same results with a Coleman cooler.

Kieran Trippier: Better than against Arsenal. Had a couple of crosses across the face of goal that players couldn’t get a boot onto, but also was steadfast in his refusal to take on players with the ball.

Eric Dier: A match of frustration for Dier, who got booked for dissent in the second half. He wasn’t bad and was doing everything he could under adverse circumstances. Had a nice header that was well saved by Foster, but had a couple of silly fouls.

Harry Winks: This wasn’t a match that fit Winks’ skill-set particularly well, and it showed. West Brom didn’t give the midfield a lot of space to operate, and Winksy wasn’t particularly great with the ball when he had it.

Davinson Sanchez: Sanchez was merely good in this game, not great, and while Salomon Rondon is a load, he probably shouldn’t have been manhandled as much as he was on that play. Still, he was okay on balance.


True story: about eight years ago I took a huge chunk out of my thumb while using one of these things to slice potatoes. It was a testament to how sharp the blade was that I didn’t notice until there was blood all over the cutting board. It took two months to heal and I have a 1/4” x 1/2” scar on my thumb that will be there forever. Mandolines: fine kitchen tools, but scary af. (Use safety gloves.)

Dele Alli: Got the assist, but it was another frustrating league match for Dele who has probably played himself off the radar of Real Madrid and Barcelona thus far this season. Not that I’m complaining, but it’d be nice if he’d show up for matches that aren’t in the Champions League. His giveaway that set up WBA’s goal was shocking.

Hugo Lloris: He didn’t have to do much, and had one easy save in the second half, but this rating comes from him being completely wrong-footed on Rondon’s goal. Dele’s derp might have started the goal process, but Hugo got it just as wrong.


So… it’s basically a large underpowered waffle iron that squishes bread. Save yourself some counter space and a lot of money by using a cast iron skillet and a foil-wrapped brick instead.

Christian Eriksen: I thought he was poor against Arsenal, but he was really, really poor against West Brom. Yes, the bunkered defense meant that he didn’t have much room in which to operate, but he was profligate with the ball and virtually useless. Tired? Saving it for big games?

Ben Davies: Hasn’t been getting forward with the same alacrity as in past matches and his defending has been pretty lax as well. A bad game. Is this Danny Rose’s opening to get back?

Fernando Llorente: In theory, Llorente’s status as a target man might open up some space for attackers elsewhere on the pitch. In reality, he did virtually nothing. How did this guy score like 15 goals for Swansea last season?


I… I mean, what is this? How would it be useful and an improvement over a knife? I can’t see it working except if you wanted to make guacamole in the avocado peel. This is stupid, don’t buy it.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as an avocado slicer.

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